Male and Female
The Image of God
Dating
Considering I Kissed Dating Goodbye
My first response to the title of Josh Harris' first book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, was “what does he mean that we should kiss dating goodbye? How will I build a relationship before I marry, if I don't date?” Firstly it is worth noting the book is not intended to argue that dating is sinful but that there is a better way, a wiser way; the book provides a framework and an attitude which means that when the intentions are right, and the time is right, spending time alone with someone is appropriate.
I am going to begin by outlining the premise that Harris suggests, in both I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and Boy Meets Girl. Then I will apply these principles to our lives. I will touch on some of the issues related in other articles in this issue.
In 1995, Harris produced the first book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and has ignited debate in the area of dating, singleness, and courtship. A large number of titles have been published in response to I Kissed Dating Goodbye. We have seen titles such as I Gave Dating a Chance and Boundaries in Dating which also address this question of godly relationships. Harris himself wrote Boy Meets Girl to explore his journey through courtship to marriage.
I Kissed Dating Goodbye
The premise is that the way the world “dates” is defective; its practices unhelpful, damaging, and unrealistic. The price of the world's method of dating is people being burnt, people being used. While dating may seem innocent fun, it does have a lasting effect. The world's manner of dating is essentially a series of short-term exploratory relationships—a training ground for divorce. They are built on intimacy, not commitment, skipping the friendship stage of the relationship. These attitudes and practices need to be left behind, and evaluated in the light of the Gospel.
The second section of the book is useful for thinking through a framework we can use as we look at our relationships. He begins by defining the Christian view of love, and how it impacts us. A useful example that is included is a discussion of modesty. The section highlights that males generally struggle with their eyes, and what we see, and while it is true that we have to learn and develop self-control, the action of women dressing modesty is a significant help to men remaining pure. The love that we have seen in Christ is displayed as we seek to safeguard each others purity, rather than making it a prize to steal. We need to move our focus from ending the season of singleness, to how we can serve and love those around us, how we can build meaningful friendships. (The topic of building friendships with the other sex will be covered in more detail in the article in the current issue)
How we are to build this new lifestyle, and what it means for us in the various stages of life we are in is developed in the final section. I found the last two sections of the book the most helpful with practical comments, which lead me to reconsider the relationship I was in, and continues to influence how I think through my current singleness, and possibly future relationships.
The first principle is we need to start with a clean slate, re-evaluating the current relationship we are in, adjusting its focus away from ourselves and onto building relationships focused on the others growth in Godliness and not on the pattern of the world. If we build bad habits now, we will have bad habits when we are married. We do our future marriage a great service by building Godly habits now. The involvement of parents in the relationship as sounding boards is worth considering. Even though we may not have Christian parents, we all have elders who can serve as sounding boards for us as we talk through our relationships and provide guidance.
While the topic of male-female friendships will be covered elsewhere I will briefly mention some principles Harris makes worth noting. Firstly maintain the difference between friendship, and intimacy, secondly be inclusive not exclusive, and lastly seek opportunities to serve not to be entertained, that is, do ministry with your friends, before you go to the movies, or seek to be entertained, for in this activity we truly get to know our friends.
So what does saying “bye” to the world's practices of dating mean for us in practice. The final section begins by encouraging us to redeem the time we are in. The season of Singleness is a time of opportunity, and it is a time Harris rightly reminds us to make the most of. Make the most of our singleness as we take the opportunities of ministry, make the most of singleness through growing in Godliness, building character, learning life skills, fulfilling the responsibilities we have now, not to overwhelmed by our singleness that we lose the opportunities we have in the moment. It is a struggle, but our time of singleness is a time of blessing, a time of opportunities for ministry and for growth. A time God is preparing us for our spouse, if that be in his will.
It is true that if we want good habits in marriage then we must work on them now. Practice seeking God now, meeting with Him on your own, studying his words with others, practice building friendships now; practice communication with your parents. Learn life skills now. We do not practice these things, as to earn or demand marriage, or even simply for the sake of our future marriage, but rather we pursue Godliness in all areas of our life. The question we often hear asked is what characteristics do we look for in a wife, or husband, what makes that person perfect. The question is the wrong way around, rather than beginning in looking, we should begin in seeking to be a good partner. The characteristics he lists are valuable to reflect on; how we relate to God, how we relate to others (parents, authorities, the opposite sex), our discipline (how we use time, handle money, how we look after our self—for example, what does immodest dressing say about the heart of the person?)
Harris concludes with some principles about how we move from friendship to relationship. He rightly begins by saying that there is no scriptural, one size fits all program from moving through relationships. However there are some principles which are good to think through. Firstly remember your relational responsibilities to those around you, and not think of your needs as the centre of everything, but your responsibility to God, and to others around you. He gives good practical suggestions of what to do, and not do as you pursue deeper friendships, spending time with him or her watching them minister, spending time getting to know her or his family, and discover more of each others interests. Conversely, don't express romantic love, don't drop hints, and do not seek to be seen as a couple, as you pursue friendship. One of the big points in Harris books is the involvement of Christian mentors to talk with as you think through the decision. The book provides some green lights indicating it is ok to express the intent for a relationship, and some warning signs. These green lights are: God's word; that you are ready for marriage; Approval of friends and mentors; God's peace.
Boy Meets Girl
Harris second book talks through the issues of courtship, and “pursuing a relationship”. During the time between I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl, Josh Harris got married and like in IKDG he writes with a refreshing honesty using stories from his own relationship history and the relationships of his friends to illustrate his points.
Boy Meets Girl covers a lot of the same ground of I Kissed Dating Goodbye. The first section deals with the tension created by the first book—that the issue is not dating versus courtship, but rather a Godly attitude in how we relate to each other particularly in our relationships before marriage.
In the second section of Boy Meets Girl, Harris talks through how to be Godly in the Season of Courtship. He talks through the topics of communication, our roles as men, and women, involving the community in our relationships and finally purity. The idea of involving the community in our relationship, from when we talk about the feelings of attraction, to when we talk with an elder about marriage, and everything in between. Community provides accountability, and for that reason it is something valuable to consider as we begin to pursue marriage relationships. While we may not have Christian parents it is valuable to talk through the issues for you with elder Christians. Harris in this book like his first emphasises the role of both men and women to safeguard each others purity, and the positive influence men can have on women, and women on men, if they seek to protect not seduce.
Harris talks of four roles men should take; firstly take the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women; secondly take the responsibility of being the spiritual leader, for example make growth in your spiritual life a priority; thirdly, be a gentleman, and encourage women as the display godliness. Harris makes four points for women in living their roles; firstly encourage men to lead, secondly be a sister to the men in your life, and cultivate godliness and inner beauty in your life. Harris encourages Christian women to ask if there wardrobe is an expression of their love for God, and sacrifice fashion to be obedient to God. Before we move on, a brief word to the guys, we need to work on our self control.
In the final section we are reminded that failure is not final, or fatal, but in failure we can be forgiven, he reminds us of the sacrifice of Christ and that our sins are dealt with. Harris includes a list of ten questions which are useful to work through before you get engaged. These questions are helpful diagnosis questions to think through when you are considering getting engaged. These questions are usual to work through as you assess your relationship.
Is your relationship centred on God and his glory; Are you growing in friendship, communication, fellowship, and romance; Are you clear on your biblical role as men and women; Are other people supportive of your relationship; Is sexual desire playing a too big (or small) part in your decision; Do you have a track record of solving problems biblically; Are you heading in the same direction; Have you taken into account any cross-cultural differences you have; do either of you have complicating entanglements from past marriages or relationships and finally do you want to marry that person?
Conclusion
In summary, both of these books have a lot to bear on the subject of relationships. Both books are honestly written with numerous helpful, personal and relevant examples. Whether you decide to date or to court, through these books we are reminded to do it to the glory of God. Harris in his book has reminded to treat each other with care, and guard each others purity. Encouraging, and challenging each other to be wise in romance, and grow in godliness.
Duncan Aldridge currently spends most of his time travelling between Wollongong and UNSW, where he works as an Administrative Assistant at the Social Policy Research Centre.
Comments
Yeah… I read those books immediately when they came out. They were really helpful, and I recommend them to be read. But as people read it… please don’t start drawing conclusions about the cover. Many just read the title, and immediately conclude that Harris is saying that Dating/ Coursthip, ‘steady’ relationship is a ‘bad and naughty’ non-Christian thing to be doing, when in fact there’s a lot of wisdom beyond the cover.
on 01 November, 2002 11:26 PM
I can’t honestly say I agreed with Harris’s philosophy. Most of the principles he set forth are true, I think it’s lacking in one respect: that dating should be out until one is seriously ready to consider marriageWhile there does exist a large amount of danger in dating before you’re ready to make that commitment, that doesn’t exclude it entirely. I think that there are many things to be discovered about an ideal mate even before I’m ready to pop the question. The thing to avoid isn’t dating entirely before you’re ready to marry, but dating someone with whom you’d never entertain the possibility of marrying. That’s where it starts to head off in the wrong direction.
Brian Hamilton on 15 December, 2002 7:18 AM