/karen/

A response

Sunday, 13 June, 2004

There are several reasons why I have this blog. The first and foremost is to keep a record of the things of my life. The second is to give me an outlet for writing. The third is, in some way, to help others who struggle with the same things as me; they can read how it went for us and what helped, and maybe there will be things that will help them too, though I do not necessarily think that that will be true for everyone.

One of the things that happens when you or your partner is depressed is that everyone starts sending you messages. Some are helpful, some are unhelpful. The unhelpful ones usually contain unwanted advice. I got an unhelpful one this morning from someone I don't even know but who presumes to know me:

Karen,

I was at your wedding but you won't remember me.

Ben is desperately ill. I know, as I have been there and done that. He needs medical and psychological help and you both need to stop trying to live up to a hypothetical standard.

There is no way that you and he should even try to go to Moore College, and I don't understand what you are trying to achieve, by attempting to do so. All it will do is put more pressure on both of you to “perform”.

And for what?

You and he should just concentrate on getting your selves in order. God might be good but there is no way you can help anyone else until you work through your own problems.

Believe me ...

First of all, it's nice to know this lady cares in her own befuddled way. She's right; I don't remember her from our wedding. She was probably one of 250 guests. I don't even think I've seen her since, which gives you some indication of what kind of relationship that exists between me and her: basically zilch. So it kind of gets my back up when someone I don't really know is telling me what to do, no matter how good her intentions or how sound her advice. Because her intentions will misfire and her advice isn't sound if she doesn't understand us and our current situation.

I think that's pretty clear from the rest of the message. “Ben is desperately ill.” Well, duh, I already know that. How can I not know that? I live with him 24/7! I know more about him being ill than she does—than anyone else does. I'm the one who spends the most time with him and the one who knows him the best. I don't need to be told how sick he is.

“He needs medical and psychological help and you both need to stop trying to live up to a hypothetical standard.”: What kind of “hypothetical standard” is she talking about? The pressure to be successful in ministry? The so-called MTS-norm whereby trainees run through the mill of two years training and four years of college? God's rules by which we live our lives, trying to bring him glory? Her “hypothetical standard” seems merely hypothetical.

“There is no way that you and he should even try to go to Moore College, and I don't understand what you are trying to achieve, by attempting to do so.” I feel I should say something first about why we chose Moore College. We are not like mindless sheep following the hordes, wanting to go to Moore College because everyone else is or because the Jensens told us to. Contrary to popular belief, we don't accept everything the Jensens say without questions; we are intelligent thinking people. For a number of years Ben didn't even want to go to Moore College—he was considering other places like Sydney Missionary Bible College (SMBC) and I forget where else. But over time Ben changed his mind. Moore is more academically-focused, compared with SMBC which seems to be more practical-focused. Ben is more of theorist so Moore really suits him better.

Secondly, college will be easier than MTS—for us, anyway. MTS involves lots of people work which is stressful, emotionally draining and often difficult. Other people thrive on that sort of stuff; we don't. College will involve a lot of hard work, memorisation, pulling together arguments, agonising over the intricacies of Greek grammar, stressing about exams and assignments—I realise that—but we will not be at college to do ministry to people; we will be at college to learn.

Thirdly, the thing that we are trying to “achieve” by going to college is to deepen our knowledge of the Bible, the history of Christianity and the philosophies of this world. We could do that at home but it is easier to be motivated to do it when you're with others who are doing it, being taught by people who really know their stuff. Obtaining a better understanding of the truth of who God is and what his word is about is important not just for our own growth, understanding and relationship with God, but also for teaching others, in whatever capacity that involves (from one-to-one to the pulpit). I'm not saying that you need to go to Bible college to become a “super Christian”; I'm saying that that is what we hope to gain from going to Bible college.

“All it will do is put more pressure on both of you to ‘perform’”: I don't know where she got that idea from. No one in Wollongong or Sydney is pressuring us to “perform”, not even the people Ben are working for. A+'s don't get you into heaven anyway, and Ben's never been an A+ kind of student. Nor has he ever been the kind of person to kick himself for not getting A+'s.

But the part that bothers me the most out of the whole message is the last bit:

You and he should just concentrate on getting yourselves in order. God might be good but there is no way you can help anyone else until you work through your own problems.

“God might be good but”...? There is no “but” after a statement about God's goodness. God's goodness is what gets us through the day. God's goodness is what sustains us through the good and the bad. God's goodness is our hope, our joy, our comfort. How dare she trivialise God's goodness! What kind of Christian is she claiming to be? (If she's claiming to be a Christian at all.)

Okay, I might be overreacting. But the last part of that sentence isn't true either: “there is no way you can help anyone else until you work through your own problems.” She doesn't realise that people are helped and encouraged through our depression—that our weakness presents opportunities for others to be of help and to practise godliness—that our struggles to persevere hearten and strengthen others to run that good race. Last year a friend of mine said to me, “I'm always so encouraged when I read your emails. Things are so bad and yet you guys just keep on going.” Maybe this lady has some idealised view of what “help” actually entails, but one of the things that I've learnt on MTS is that we are all messed up and we will never attain some perfect position from which we will then be secure enough to “help” others. We help others from where we are, down in the depths of the mire, covered in mud, in reverent submission to our Lord who works through our frailty and weakness. Do you actually believe that people who are depressed can't share the gospel? Do you actually believe that people who are depressed can't edify the church? Do you actually believe that people who are depressed can't care for others, even if it's only in little ways, like sending a card or cooking a meal? Obviously there are people who have depression who can still do these things. They don't have to but they are physically able to. Remember Spurgeon had depression too.

If I get any more messages like this from people I don't really know, I'm going to post them up on this blog and respond to them the way Neil Gaiman responds to his fan mail. So think about that before you send me anything. Think really hard.

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