Attraction (Part 4)
Wednesday, 12 November, 2003
Attraction: How to get rid of it.
Why would you want to get rid of it? The spark is nice. The feeling of being in love is trippy.
Consider the personalities in my post on single-watching: Guy C (who is pursued by girls he doesn't want to go out with), Girl H (who no one is ever interested in), Guy I (who is constantly being rejected). If Guy C isn't interested, how do his pursuers cease their obsession? If Girl H develops a crush on someone who doesn't care, what does she do? If Guy I is turned down by the girl he likes, what then?
Pain, pain, pain. Attraction does not always end happily. When you have to get rid of it, how do you do it?
I can only think of two solutions:
- Fast forward to the disappointment stage (which, I've been told, occurs in any relationship) and you'll get over him/her pretty quickly once you've found out how sinful s/he is. Unfortunately this means finding out more about them which might make the attraction worse in the process.
- Do the opposite of the symptoms: don't spend time with him/her; don't spend time with him/her alone; avoid being physically located in the same place as him/her; don't think about him/her (this is hard!)—continually steer your thoughts away from him/her (unfortunately you might not be able to do anything about the dreams but hopefully they will disappear with time); don't get interested in the things that s/he is interested in; don't tell him/her things (intimate things) about yourself (even though you want to); and don't ask too many deep and personal questions about him/her.
Does anyone have any more suggestions?
Current:
Bible: Isaiah (ESV) 28/09/2010
seen: Tropic Thunder 26/09/2010
seen: The Life of Mammals 24/09/2010
seen: What a Girl Wants 19/09/2010
seen: Jerry Maguire 19/09/2010
seen: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 06/09/2010
seen: Tomorrow Never Dies 05/09/2010
seen: Nanny McPhee 28/08/2010
read: Mercury (Hope Larson) 27/08/2010
read: Spellcheckers Vol 1 (Jamie S Rich, Nicolas Hitori de, Joelle Jones) 16/08/2010
read: Solipsistic Pop Vol 2 (Solipsistic Pop) 16/08/2010
read: Chiggers (Hope Larson) 15/08/2010
seen: Josie and the Pussycats 14/08/2010
seen: Mr & Mrs Smith 14/08/2010
seen: Step Up 2 13/08/2010
Blinks:
How to recalibrate the home button on your iPhone.
Unsolicited manuscripts accepted by Pan Macmillan with certain conditions.
Thought Balloon is a group blog in which the writers tackle a new theme every week? month? with one-page scripts. This URL is for their Phonogram ones.
How to sew a zipper on a knitted garment.
Issues organised by tale.
Online magazine that publishes fairy tales that are not reworkings of old tales.
Journal that publishes fairy tale writing.
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Disqus comments
Other comments
Hey! There’s so many other ways to turn someone off! you’ve hardly scraped the surface!!!
I’m confused.
When you have to get rid of it? - its a very broad question… what circumstance? and on who’s behalf. Is it possible to have attraction on one side only in an actual relationship, with the other being realistic?
a lot of q2 is so much easier said than done. how to do it in a practical way is probably something that should be covered… or an alternative to make sure you don’t do it…
its one thing to say don’t spend time…but how do u exhibit that self control… or realise ur doing it too much.
and u have to firstly identify that u have symptoms too, cos if ur lost in a little world u might not realise your actions are the head over heels.
then again. i could be wrong…..
What do u think Karen?
How does the other partner act? Do they have a responsbility to help this diminish?
I don’t think that you necessarily have to tell the other person that you’re attracted to them; maybe it’s better that they don’t know.
But if you are attracted to someone (ie. you’ve got the symptoms) and that attraction is inappropriate (or unrealistic), what do you do? That’s my question.
I am not saying that this applies to people already in relationships.
Philip: do share!
I remember the first girl I liked/was attracted to turned me down…attraction, I think, generally fades when it isn’t reciprocated, though I can imagine circumstances when it can remain behind. I don’t know. I guess coping mechanisms can slowly attenuate the impact of those feelings?
Philip is on a winner.
For those that are the objects of attraction lets voyage into the fine art of “Untraction”.. Mmmmm… Where to begin???
Firstly lets start by appearing Physically undesirable. It’s very easy dont conform to the images forced down your throat by billboards and TV advetisments. Guys, dont cut your hair…Girls, shave you head….. Always, I repeat always, wear appropriately daggy clothes i.e Jeans…and the first T-Shirt that contacts your hand in the drawer, or even better from the floor, this will add the stench element…(this does sound amazingly superficial, but even in christian circles it will work). The Smell factor should keep those wouldbe attractees at bay… If not perhaps showering less and no scent masking(deoderant) to release the true smell of yourself.
Now manners…who needs them.. wipe your nose on your sleeve. Belch and flatulate in public. Reach across the table. Be the first out the door.
If anyone is still interested in you after all this. They are either highly insane or amazingly high quality as they have seen past your weak attempts of self preservation.
Ahh….
Time for MILO
In light of your previous post, Karen, I will meditate on how wrinkly and saggy they will ultimately become, until my attraction subsides.
Seriously, though, girls shouldn’t be ‘pursuing’ (Guy C in this case) anyway. They should be concentrating on their relationship with God, and waiting for the right guy to notice their character.
</dubious old-fashioned advice>
Oh God - I am the expert in un-returned attraction - one guy got married, another guy started dating someone else, another guy wrote me a letter, another guy wrote me an email, another guy started going out with my friend, and on, and on, and on….
Ah well :(
But really, I’m not feeling that sorry for myself, I’m just saying that the easiest way to get over it is when they do something to stop it completely (like date someone else)
Uh Deb - do you think girls must be so passive to just wait around until some guy notices them?
Why do you think there is something wrong with them ‘pursuing’ guy C? What if the guys don’t notice their character because the guys are ‘pursueing’ their relationship with God just as the girls don’t notice the guys character because they are ‘pursueing’ their relationship with God.
Do you understand what I mean? So whats wrong with the girls pursueing him?
Philip, the problem is that Guy C doesn’t want girls pursuing him; he isn’t interested in any of them and sometimes it’s just as awful being the one doing the rejecting as it is being the one who is rejected.
But the same thing happens with girls as well - theres a hot girl, so we chase her - there’s nothing wrong with that. The distribution of guys chasing girls isn’t that one guy chases one girl only. We often all go for the same one and she rejects lots of us.
Same for girls, they often all go for one guy only.
This is reality, get used to it. You can’t impose a someone “should-do” on this because people don’t reason about why they are attracted to someone. They just are and just do, thats nature. As awful as that is, thats just what happens.
And that’s why it’s a problem.
Its a problem with no solution, as you can’t do anything about it - so there’s no point worrying about it.
I don’t see it as wrong for the girls to pursue guy C, they must belive they have a chance so they are trying.
I don’t see anything wrong with them trying - they should try if they want guy C, maybe they are not cleaver enough to work out guy C isn’t interested so they deserve to be rejected, they will grow up and learn from it.
No one wants the nice guy, guy I, he’s the nice guy no-one wants, thats so common. The girls don’t want a nice guy, they want an exciting guy who will sweep them off their feet. If they wanted a nice guy he would be taken. He needs to learn how to be the exciting guy to sweep them off their feet and then turn into the nice guy afterwards when he’s got the one he wants.
I don’t know if it’s fair to generalise to all girls wanting an exciting guy to sweep them off their feet. I think the propensity in Christian circles is that Christian girls tend to be more mature than non-Christian girls (though that’s based on my own experience). There is a certain degree of individual difference to be considered.
That said, I agree that sometimes, the rejection is (in a utilitarian sense) preferable because it results in personal growth.
(t-minus 1hr to first psych exam)
I don’t want to post too frequently, but yes I am generalising - there are exceptions- but since I’m talking in a general sense, I’m talking about the average in people, we are also talking about the processes of Seduction and guys sweeping girls off their feet is one tactic in seducing the girl.
Philip - it’s got nothing to do with passivity, it’s the biblical model for womanhood. In the same way, submission is not passivity. Modesty, gentle and quiet spirit and all that.
Girls can avoid a lot of heartache this way.
Doesn’t mean that women shouldn’t pursue friendships with men, just not got chasing after them. I think that’s a bit ugly.
I heard this before and I think it’s true: Get a hobby!
More - If the guy doesn’t notice the girl’s character, he is clearly not worth worrying about, and not the man God has in store for her.
Chasing after Guy C will get them hurt, and so what if its ‘character-building’? People aren’t really that clever when they’re in love. Those girls are going to get hurt - and that’s bad, remember?!
Funny, all my girl friends want the nice guy.
(And I meant ‘go’ not ‘got’ above.)
Sorry I still see a strong disparity between what is your Christian ideal of what girls “should” do and what they actually do.
From my experience I’ve very rarely met girls thinking the way you suggest they should think. Most Aussie Christian girls don’t show “Modesty, gentle and quiet spirit and all that” and really don’t bother to spend the time to get to know a nice guy. They run around saying so and so is great isn’t he, then decide who’s popular and go after him.
So - I believe I’m talking about what people generally do, your talking about what they should do. I think there is a huge difference between what they should do and what they actually do.
For all practical purposes you have to live in the world of what they actually do and work with that.
For example if your a nice guy I and you look around and see girls chasing the popular guys, and the girls basically ignore you- what can you do? You can adapt to act like the popular guys or you can just keep on going about being ignored.
All your girlfriends probably say they want a nice guy but don’t go out with the nice guy right? Well that’s what I see most of the time.
Of course there’s a big disparity about what people do and what they should do.
But aren’t we talking about what they should do?
Hey, Karen—any motivation behind posting these thoughts beyond intellectual curiosity? Or does it link to your ‘couple-watching’ you mentioned a few posts back?
It both links to my previous post on “single-watching” and refers to extremely complicated personal motivations which only one or two people in the world are going to be able to understand. Unfortunately the latter is not for public consumption; boundaries have to be drawn somewhere in what the world is allowed to know and what it is not. Hope you understand.
Hmm I just reread what I wrote before amd it sounds a little rude. I meant, get a hobby in the sense that you find some new activity to do to get your mind off the previous attraction. Not get a hobby for this series. Sorry about my lack of clarity there! I really like reading the great stuff you have here Karen