/karen/

Love this Ben

Saturday, 12 June, 2004

He hasn't been good all week. Our friends have been taking him out, or coming over to spend time with him—going out of their way to invite him to things. On Wednesday after staff meeting Matthew vacuumed our floors for us which I found very touching. Ben and I have the same conversation ten times in an hour. He says things that aren't true but which hurt me. He says them over and over again. I wake up in the early hours of the morning to find him crying out into the dark. I hold him and try to comfort him with the truths of the Bible and who God is. He doesn't think I can help—that he is beyond help. I tell him over and over again that's not true. Things are getting cancelled because neither of us are up to it. I go up and down and there are times when things seem much worse than they actually are. I have to keep telling myself that what he says isn't true and that, if he were well, he wouldn't be saying them. They're not true, they're not true, they're not true. Even though they make me cry, they're not true and I shouldn't believe them. I'm getting tired. But God is good.

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