My private hell
Tuesday, 06 May, 2003
Being sick is very strange. You're not quite sure if you're awake when you're awake and you know you're awake when you're asleep. Sometimes I think my mind is driving me mad; I can't stop thinking about Red Dwarf and I don't know why. I keep imagining Lister, Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat running around, doing things and talking to each other. I haven't even watched the show that much! I think I was running a high fever last night and I kept waking up. And it made me think of one my greatest fears—the thing that would probably constitute my own private hell if hell was something tailored to your individual personality like Cyberia is in Last Human. I have this memory of myself as a little girl going to sleep in this huge double bed at someone's house. They were friends of the family and I don't remember why we were staying there. What I do remember is staring up at the white ceiling for hours and hours, willing sleep to come and not being able to drift off. My mother kept checking up on me and saying, “Are you still awake?” I think I was awake all night. I remember the dawn creeping in through the curtains. Since then, I've always had issues with falling asleep. I can't stand lying there and letting my brain tick over, thinking about all sorts of stupid and meaningless things. As you've probably guessed, I have great issues with Philippians 4:8 and what to do with my mind. When I was a Uni student, I got branded as an insomniac because I used to stay up very very late—writing emails or reading books—until I could no longer keep my eyes open and, only then, would I go to bed. Working full-time also kept my sleeping patterns regular because I'd be so tired from working 9-5 five days a week that I'd have to sleep anyway. Getting married also helped too; I find Ben's presence very relaxing for some reason and it's easier to fall asleep in his arms than it is on my own But occasionally I get these nights when nothing I do can help me to fall asleep and I'm tossing and turning and thinking stupid thoughts and desperately praying to God for help. Lucky for me God is a God of love, not a God of malevolence; he gets me through it. I thank him every morning. I'm looking forward to the day when my private hell will be swallowed up by his heaven.
Current:
Bible: Isaiah (ESV) 28/09/2010
seen: Tropic Thunder 26/09/2010
seen: The Life of Mammals 24/09/2010
seen: What a Girl Wants 19/09/2010
seen: Jerry Maguire 19/09/2010
seen: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 06/09/2010
seen: Tomorrow Never Dies 05/09/2010
seen: Nanny McPhee 28/08/2010
read: Mercury (Hope Larson) 27/08/2010
read: Spellcheckers Vol 1 (Jamie S Rich, Nicolas Hitori de, Joelle Jones) 16/08/2010
read: Solipsistic Pop Vol 2 (Solipsistic Pop) 16/08/2010
read: Chiggers (Hope Larson) 15/08/2010
seen: Josie and the Pussycats 14/08/2010
seen: Mr & Mrs Smith 14/08/2010
seen: Step Up 2 13/08/2010
Blinks:
How to recalibrate the home button on your iPhone.
Unsolicited manuscripts accepted by Pan Macmillan with certain conditions.
Thought Balloon is a group blog in which the writers tackle a new theme every week? month? with one-page scripts. This URL is for their Phonogram ones.
How to sew a zipper on a knitted garment.
Issues organised by tale.
Online magazine that publishes fairy tales that are not reworkings of old tales.
Journal that publishes fairy tale writing.
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Other comments
I hope you get better soon, Karen!
The mind thing sounds like a problem. I’m trying to work something out myself
Hope you are feeling better now. (And don’t forget the flu vaccine this winter!)
I can usually go to sleep. It’s staying asleep that’s the problem. I wake about 2:00 am and that’s it, very often. I have gfound it better to get up then and do something. Otherwise I am still awake, tossing and turning and getting angry because of it.
Shalom,
Jan
That’s my other fear—waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep again. Thankfully it doesn’t happen that often. Does getting up and doing stuff help?
Karen, I usually don’t worry about insomnia coz I’m well-known for being able to sleep anywhere, anytime, and through anything, LOL. But that just means that when I do get insomnia, it’s even worse. I usually pray Psalm 127:2b when that happens: “He grants sleep to those He loves.” I don’t so much request as simply thank Him for this fact and for loving me and etc. As far as I remember, He has been gracious and granted me sleep!
As for waking up in the night - have you heard those stories about people being woken up in the night to pray for someone/something? Sometimes I wonder if He does that, and I miss it because I am too groggy and focussed on trying to get back to sleep! LOL
I have had trouble with insomnia over the years. I understand the issues with Phil 4:8; it’s hard to do when your mind is working overtime. I started getting up and writing things down, which calmed the circular thinking a little. I tried thinking of good things, but couldn’t keept them going. I finally hit on praying. Not praying for myself and sleep, but saying, God I’m awake, what can you say to me. I would praise him and thank him for the good things, ask him to take care of the bad things, pray for everyone I know, and often fall asleep. I met a man a few years ago who told me God woke him up in the mornings to pray. He felt that the earlier he awoke, the more God had for him. Somedays he prayed for hours before anyone else got up and thought it a privilege. I’m not quite that spiritual, but the principle often works for me. Sometimes insomnia is about anxiety, only solved by faith and trust. But, maybe sometime it is God calling, as he did Samuel, and saying “talk to me”. Godspeed.
Thanks for the verse Irene. I don’t know why God would get me up in the middle of the night to pray to him since I do it almost every morning over breakfast but what you and Larry have suggested sounds like a good thing to do as long as I’m awake and makes insomnia less scary.
I’d just like to add a quick comment and tell you how much I enjoyed this post