/karen/

My recurring dream

Thursday, 23 January, 2003

Every now and then I have a dream about children. My children. My future children. Sometimes there's a baby that's running around and somehow I know he/she is mine but I don't know what to do for him/her and brief nonsensical thoughts go fleeting through my brain—"I should probably feed him/her,”or “How do I change a nappy?” Sometimes the child is a girl and sometimes a boy. Last night, he was a boy—a little toddler about 2 years old. I saw him splashing around the edge of a lake around Ben's heels, like a little hobbit with a giant. He looked very much like Ben did when he was young (such soft round delicate features) except he had black very straight hair instead of Ben's ringlets. He looked very happy. I want to have children one day soon before my body grows too old and my womb shrivels up but I'm also terrified and I suppose that's why I keep dreaming about it. People tell me being terrified is natural but somehow it feels more terrifying for me as I've never really had much to do with kids and don't know anything about them. What if I forget to feed them or look after them? Is it possible for that to happen? I'm afraid I'll be a bad mother because I come from a broken home. I'm afraid I won't be a good model of Christ for them and they will end up hating him because of me. But I still want to have children. I want the dreams to become reality so that, one day, I'll see them in my arms instead of in my head.

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