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Saturday, 04 February, 2006

Not much has been happening since Issue 9 went up (though I've now started the ball rolling for Issue 10, which I'm getting quite excited about. It's on Creation and there are lots of articles I'd like to see happen but whether they actually will is another story). I finished editing The Daily Reading Bible Volume 6 on Thursday and spent part of Friday doing transcription but only for a couple of hours. I'm hoping to knock over more hours on Sunday and the girl I'm doing it for has promised me some more work which would be super cool but at the same time I hope that I can handle it.

I also had my third counselling appointment on Friday. Counselling is going okay though this guy's approach is very different from my last counsellor who was into cognitive behavioural sort of stuff—figuring out why you behave the way you do and working at changing it. For example, I used to be really clingy to Ben whenever we'd go out in public—say, to parties—and it stemmed from a fear of being abandoned which manifested itself in other ways (like that sense of hurt I got when I sat down at a table and, one by one, everyone would get up and leave). I know that not everyone believes in this approach but I've found it quite helpful in the past and I've learnt to change certain behaviours through this sort of recognition.

The two main issues that have come up recently have been anger and sadness and my inability to deal with either. My last counsellor told me anger wasn't necessarily a bad thing—that it's a defence mechanism and you get angry when you feel like you've been hurt. But knowing that doesn't tell me how to deal with it and so my standard process has been merely to hide it away. When someone hurts me now, I feel I cannot get angry because that is unfair (well, my anger is disproportionate to what's been done to me) and because I know that the anger is just a defence mechanism for the hurt I feel. So I just feel sad that I've been hurt and I'll sit there and lick my wounds and cry.

My counsellor has also been very big on me doing things just for me—he told me he wants me to work on it. So I guess it's evident to even this person I hardly know that I'm a bit of a workaholic and find it hard to take a break. I've been trying to set aside a whole day (or most of a day) where I do nothing and I stay off the computer as much as possible. So today I slept in, I read a bit (I'm reading The Da Vinci Code at the moment—thought I should get through it before the movie comes out in May and also so I can read Greg Clarke's Is it worth believing?: The spiritual challenge of “The Da Vinci Code” and understand what it's talking about), I sat on the couch and watched Shrek 2 and knitted ... quite relaxing and lovely.

Next Friday I've invited my friends over to watch the second talk in the Introducing God series. All but one are coming and the one who isn't coming doesn't want to come anymore which confuses me because she seemed to want to continue the last time we spoke. I will have to talk to her and it makes me tired just thinking about it. I have to write an article for Bec in 4 days and I also have to do something about my poor computer which is starting to crash with increasing regularity. It's really getting to be more than senile.

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