The song I was listening to is Track #6: http://danalittlemusic.bandcamp.com/

I wish we could sit and talk one day in person, I always feel like I could have a long conversation about your blog posts and yet don’t have the time to give a written reply online proper justice. 

Enough to say, perhaps it was the combination of the music I was listening to on loss co-incidentally at the same time as I was reading this post and I cried.  I don’t think loss is really talked about much when it comes to motherhood; unless it’s loss of sleep (which has never been an issue for long periods with both my boys).  As well as loss, have you found longing as well?  For example, when you think about all the things you want to be for Astrid as a parent (and, possibly later, sibling relationships) does it make you think about your relationships with your immediate family and how things could be?

People don’t realize how hard becoming a mother is until they are one.  I don’t think I was fully adjusted until my daughter was about 15m.  Now, I can’t imagine not being with her pretty much 24/7.  Of course every mother needs their break, but I feel like this is the life I always dreamed of.  I hope things are better for you now.  Writing about it is the best way to sort through it!  Thanks for sharing it with us!

Evernote is a brilliant program.  Have you tried using the voice function and then emailing it to your email or your Evernote email?  It could be handy if you have your hands full.  It’s spoken but change to text.

Thanks Zims! I think you’re right, and I think it’s because way more changes for mothers than it does for fathers. Fathers tend to stay in their jobs, and their lives continue in a similar fashion; everything is different for mothers. I might be biased though ;P

Little: I confess I often write these posts with you in mind

Hi Karen. Just wanted to say I really enjoy reading your reflections especially on motherhood. I’m a new mum to an 8-week old beautiful girl. It’s helpful getting a sense of someone else’s experience of this phase of life. I too was surprised at the extent to which I feel the changes in life - more so than any other transition. One interesting thing I’m finding is the change seems to feel bigger for the mum than dad on an emotional or psychological level & not just because of a mum’s role with feeding or being the primary carer. I wonder if this resonates with anyone else?

Always good to read one of these posts.

It’s fascinating for me watching you and my sister (with very different approaches and personalities) become mothers. I think I’m more similar to you in temperament and situation, so I may come back to these posts for comfort again in years to come. ;p

Hey Dave! Yeah, I vaguely remember that conversation. If I could go back in time, I’d ask you what were the significant things that changed for you and how did you cope with them? (You can still answer the question now! ;P)

That’s a fairly comprehensive post! I remember trying to explain to you that it couldn’t be explained until you were living through it: glad that’s starting to make sense.

To enjoy being a parent (at least so far) is a matter of getting used to the constant state of change, and learning to delight in the good, and deal swiftly with the bad.

Thanks Sarah! I too find that puzzling: you’d think that if you wouldn’t say something to someone in real life, you wouldn’t say it online.

Mind you, I know that I am different online than I am in person; people have told me I am. I don’t mean to be, but it could be that I am more comfortable online where it is easier to be heard than in person where I feel like I have to fight to have my words taken seriously.

A topic for another blog post, perhaps …

Brilliant work, Karen!  I found myself saying, ‘Amen” continually as I read through this post.

One thing about FB which has both puzzled and irked me is the lack of consistency between some people’s FB and ‘real life’ personalities.  People who in real life are quiet, polite and generally very friendly people turn into sarcastic, thoughtless chatterboxes on FB.  And this is not to do with their own statuses, rather I;ve been hurt by things they’ve written on MY status or wall - things they have never said in real life, but feel ok to say online.  Hiding behind their laptops perhaps?

Good article!  And especially agree with your last point!

Glad to hear it, Di! Thanks Elsie!

Thanks for this, Karen. Lots of food for thought. I’m writing a session in mission and the Internet for CMSNSW SummerSchool and this has been really helpful.

Very thought-provoking. Well done on your article, Karen

>> 1,000,000 x CUTE!!
I love Astrid and this dress.
I 2x love Astrid IN this dress.
Eeee!

She is so cute. Pretty in blue. Love her masses of black locks.

Gorgeous! Both the model and the dress. Babies’ fists must be tasty

Hmm, will have to think about that. With this manifesto, I was thinking more in terms of broad trajectories rather than specifics (though I do have a few specifics in mind, e.g. reading to Astrid for as long as she will let me

That plan is on a really, really long timeframe (somewhere between 5 and 20 years by my reckoning) - if you want to achieve things on any plan that covers that kind of timeframe, I think it needs to be broken down into smaller pieces that you can check off as you go.

Completely subjective, of course: as with all parenting, you need to work out the path that works for you.

What? Why???

Sounds like an ambitious long-term project, and a good breadth and depth. Next step is the short-term plan that you’re going to use for, say the next three months.

My response to George.

Thanks for your post, I had a lot to say so I blogged about it: http://www.rachelcunliffe.com/2010/11/recognition-hunger-and-facebook-responsibility/

Dear gorgeous one, I promised I’d think about this and respond. And now I can’t sleep (clock currently 1.55am). So why not now?

First thing - I think attention seeking has to do with the nature of God. God is relational - he wants us to be in relationship with each other. As I put it in bible study last week, we are all basket threads in a basket - intertwoven and interlaced with each other.

The world, particularly the modern world I think, is isolating. We think that the internet connects us, but really I think the internet removes us from people. Look around a bus or a train - people are not talking to each other anymore. They are absorbed. One of the saddest sights I see is Iphones/other portable devices out with parents, while their children are desperate for their attention. The parent is distracted.

So, given that the internet actually in some senses serves to isolate us, I think that social media is a good remedy for that. It is not the best remedy - the best remedy is true connection with each other - in person - but it’s better than nothing.

Anyone who thinks otherwise I think should get their head read. I have some of my best conversations now via facebook instant messenger or gmail (as you know). I rarely want to talk to people on the phone - it feels too hard. But clicking when you see someone on line feels ok.

However, and this is a big however, of course we have elements of narcissism to us. There is a very strong tendency to believe in ourselves, our own thoughts, our own power and our tendency to ...

actually, I’m going to blog about this. I’m scared I’m going to lose my thoughts. check out http://www.to-live-is-christ.blogspot.com if you want to read the rest.

Thanks for this post, Karen.  Very interesting re. the social media thing.  I live on a farm three hours from Perth, and since moving away, my frequent use of Facebook has been to notify some people that I’m still alive!  Some have seen it as attention-seeking, but these are people who do not understand what it’s like to be in isolation.  I’ve discovered many people are hopeless in keeping in touch, after all.

Thanks for writing this Karen. Both informative and helpful (in the best sense of that vague word; I tried to find a suitable synonym but failed),

Awww, thanks Bec! I love you too!

@Dave: Really? I always end up thinking about adults when I read the parenting stuff—how we’ve turned out the way we are; what forces are still at work, etc. For example, with the last quote about people who dysregulate/regulate you emotionally and what it does to the brain (in terms of cortisol, adrenaline, noradrenaline, opoiods, dopamine and oxytocin), I think it explains this post I wrote years ago.

Also, maybe you tweeted the thing about social media. Pity Twitter isn’t more searchable!

@Elsie: I could be wrong so don’t quote me on this, but I think that when Berne talked about structure, he was talking about boundaries. I’m sure routine is helpful for most people, but not everyone can operate with routine. Ben and I have never been able to stick to one for a significant period of time!

@Arthur: Yeah, you’re right; most of my accusers are Gen X ;P

Great ideas Karen! Makes a lot of sense. I find that I tend to apply parenting books to my own experience as a child - but this takes it to a whole new level

I do agree that these books need to be taken with a grain of salt (when applying to kids). They are often biased to an extreme.

eg: I would let my child cry if it means that they will eventually fall into a healthy sleep pattern.

If, Karen, you’re a member of Generation C, maybe your accusers are simply not up with the times…

You touched on structure as a psychological hunger right? Does that mean having a routine? I think it’s very true. I need routine!

I’ve read a lot a about parenting, but nothing that ever suggested applying those ideas of need to grown-ups: thanks for articulating this.

I remember saying something like that about silence being absence on social media, but I’m not sure when I blogged it either!

Also I think you’re great and I love you very much. Just thought I’d say.

Great post.

I think this: “Such behaviour is contact-seeking, not attention-seeking. It’s as if the child is saying, “I need contact with you. I’ve lost that good feeling, and if I find you again I’ll feel that all is well in my world.”” is mainly where a lot of my down feelings have their root. More interesting stuff to mull over.

I also agree v much with the bit about singles in relation to all this.  Looking at the whole singleness thing from a recognition hunger point of view would be a fascinating thing to open up.

hot stuff! nice “blue steel” from little Astrid.

Your model is gorgeous!

Thanks Fi! Basically I’m trying to follow in Joanna Murray-Smith’s example—seizing the time when it presents itself. As I said, Evernote helped

Also, thanks for the tip, Sarah! I go with Coles because they stock my favourite muesli, but I have ordered with Woolies in the past!

Well done Karen! This is a great piece and I am amazed that you were even able to find the time to write it! It is exceedingly practical and great advice for first time mums… While you take care to stress that this is about “your” experiences pertaining to Astrid - the little tips and tricks that you are learning along the way and are sharing really have great application for ALL mums! Out of the two of us, now reading this, I kinda wish that you had gone first!!!

It’s great that you and Ben are able to be there for each other - that is SO important in helping to fight the PND risks too - in fact, all of your discoveries, INCLUDING the iPhone 4 (although I have yet to find time to decipher and embrace the social medium known as Twitter!), are all great tips on helping to stay emotionally healthy in early motherhood!

Keep at it Karen and well done! On all fronts! Astrid has a great mum!

I am glad for the things that are helping! Your schedule looks so demanding, it’s so great that Ben is around more than most fathers to be a presence!

I second the ‘one outing a day’ rule .. Even now I try and make sure I regulate what I do each day to what I can cope with. But I think it’s even more important when you’re not getting a continuous night’s sleep.

No worries about the FD referral! Side note.. I found Woolworths.com.au was slightly cheaper in direct comparison and they also have free delivery for a certain time of the day.

Either way, it sounds like you’re doing great!