Single-watching (or, reflections from an Old Married Person)
Tuesday, 28 October, 2003
It is weird being “old” and married (when you're married, everyone thinks you're older than you are), hanging out with 18-21-year-olds all the time. Most of them are single and dream about marriage. They will sometimes talk to me about what marriage is like and I shatter their misconceptions about the “Happily Ever After”. Many are lonely and want to be with that special someone they haven't quite managed to meet yet. Most long for the special “spark” that makes hearts pound and minds wander.
By far the strangest part of “single-watching” (as I've decided to call it) is when two of your friends unexpectedly get together. (Sometimes it is expected; you can spot it coming a mile away, even though both are denying it. I guess you learn to recognise the signs over time. Richard can make predictions up to three years in advance.) Guy A suddenly starts going out with Girl B and, because you know Guy A and Girl B individually, you start to wonder whether they know what you know about them, and whether they're cool with that. I'm not talking about heaps serious stuff but trivial stuff. Like, he's really messy and a spendthrift; she's addicted to television and everything has to match. He into hardcore heavy metal; she adores soppy romantic comedies. (Maybe they'll influence each other's tastes; when I met Ben, he introduced me to Counting Crows, Stone Temple Pilots and Van Halen.)
It's none of your business, of course, but you can't help but wonder, because you're thinking about what it would be like if you were in their shoes, knowing what you know about marriage, commitment and unconditional love. It's all very well to tell Guy A and Girl B that, in marriage, you will find out the very worst about each other—all the horrible things you don't want anyone else in the entire world to see—but they will not really know what it's like until they embark on that strange and wonderful adventure for themselves. They won't know what it's like to live beside him/her every day, rubbing off each other's corners and getting in each other's way. They can't imagine what the “worse” in “for better, for worse” actually means. You're the old crone who utters unheeding warnings. Maybe it's better to shut up.
Well, all you can do is pray for them and ask God to look after them and prepare them for marriage down the track. It's nice when they get together and it works. It's awful when they break up.
Really, single-watching is all about just that: watching. It's not a good idea to interfere. It's not your place to interfere. But it's painful, just watching. Watching people go through pain. Watching Guy C being pursued by Girl D, Girl E and Girl F, and not wanting to go out with any of them (and then Girl G will come up and talk to you because you're friends with Guy C, wanting to know whether she should ask him out!) Watching Girl H trying to be godly and having no one notice (except you and you don't really count). Watching Guy I get rejected time after time, despite him being a perfectly nice guy who would make any girl a good husband if she would only take the next step of commiting to him.
And so goes the dizzy dance of relationships. Sometimes I wonder what are God's thoughts on this whole business as he looks down on us from above. Reflections of an Ancient Triune Deity?
Current:
Bible: Isaiah (ESV) 28/09/2010
seen: Tropic Thunder 26/09/2010
seen: The Life of Mammals 24/09/2010
seen: What a Girl Wants 19/09/2010
seen: Jerry Maguire 19/09/2010
seen: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 06/09/2010
seen: Tomorrow Never Dies 05/09/2010
seen: Nanny McPhee 28/08/2010
read: Mercury (Hope Larson) 27/08/2010
read: Spellcheckers Vol 1 (Jamie S Rich, Nicolas Hitori de, Joelle Jones) 16/08/2010
read: Solipsistic Pop Vol 2 (Solipsistic Pop) 16/08/2010
read: Chiggers (Hope Larson) 15/08/2010
seen: Josie and the Pussycats 14/08/2010
seen: Mr & Mrs Smith 14/08/2010
seen: Step Up 2 13/08/2010
Blinks:
How to recalibrate the home button on your iPhone.
Unsolicited manuscripts accepted by Pan Macmillan with certain conditions.
Thought Balloon is a group blog in which the writers tackle a new theme every week? month? with one-page scripts. This URL is for their Phonogram ones.
How to sew a zipper on a knitted garment.
Issues organised by tale.
Online magazine that publishes fairy tales that are not reworkings of old tales.
Journal that publishes fairy tale writing.
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Hmm, what a curious thought Karen…
You know, I now have come away from that trying to slot names into the series of letter you have strung together. Like a crazy puzzle, it can’t be healthy!
Yep, it seems exactly like that even from the not so married side of the fence!!!! It’s great reading your thoughts, struggles and joys of doing MTS - keep strong, there’s always people praying for you both.
Uh-oh, Jules, don’t do that! I deliberately tried to make it vague so that people wouldn’t do that sort of thing!
Thanks for your prayers, Paul! We greatly appreciate them.
Would you have married if you knew before-hand what the worse in better-or-worse could be?
Actually talked about this with a non-Christian friend yesterday, she belives there’s no point in getting married as she can obtain whatever she wants without marriage. Her reasoning was sound, its true - she can get what she wants without marriage. So why bother getting married?
I have no better or worse as I’m single.
Umm, just ignore my question, I know why bother getting married within a Christian framework, but my real point is - that for her, in her personal framework there is no point to get married.
Can I get Guy I’s phone number, please?
Hahahahahaha….
Typical superficiality…
Sorry!!! Can I take back that comment?? argh!! I didn’t mean that - I thought you were talking about Guy C!
No thats fine, Guy I is ok.
Heheheh, Deb, you crack me up!
Philip, I still think I would have gotten married if I had known the “worse” but I would have prepared myself more for it.
People get married because of the “better”, methinks.
Interesting post Karen. What I want to know is if marriage is so hard, why do Christians want to get married? Where does this deep longing come from?
Anyway, I have a blog: http://to-live-is-christ.blogspot.com/
Hehehe I’m very excited…
Very insightful, Karen…thought-provoking.
Maybe we’re made that way?
In the current world, you can live together with someone (outside of the Christian world) and its equiv. to marriage. Therefore, to those people there is no need to get married, in their world view.
When Christians want to live together as one, they are required to get marrried, not only that they should feel compelled since Marriage is God’s intention for us to have relationship with God and each other as we are joined for the Lord as one spirit.
1 Corinthians 6:17, “But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit”. Also we are not supposed to have sex outside of marriage, but you would be surprised at the large number of Christian people I have met that say they do or have. So of course the desire for sexual relations should encourage marriage.
If you knew the bad along with the good before you got married you would have paused too long to consider all the outcomes, and the pausing could have prevented you getting married (has done in my case). Don’t you just have to into it with good faith and intentions.
I’m not sure married people are the only ones doing ‘singles watching’. As someone who lives in an all-girls house, which was until very recently and all-single-girls house, we’re doing a lot of watching of our own. Though not with the same insight as you, I suppose.
I swore off dating at the beginning of the year. Not forever, just for all of this year and probably all of next year as well. Then I’ll see how I’m going. I have enough trouble keeping close to God let along some boy as well. ;p
Hey Kathleen,
Arrghh, I think we’re made for relationship, but I don’t think that we’re all made for marriage. I might think about this some more at my blog (hehehe shameless promotion).
Cheers,
George
We can’t all have been made for marriage; Jesus was single.
Umm, I think Jesus was special
Seriously, this doesn’t negate the point. I agree with Kathleen. Creation establishes that we were created to relate to God and each other. BUT I think if we were made for relationship in the broad sense only the creation of man wouldn’t go into such detail about man’s loneliness and the first marriage as the solution to that. We complement each other and that’s the way God made us and wants us.
Therefore this kind of relationship is central: foundation of family (our earthly ones and all humanity) plus (PLUS!) reflective of Christ’s relationship with the church.
But interesting paradox: we are all made for marriage (God’s intention at creation, also reflective of relationship between Christ and church), but God doesn’t want us all to get married/marriage isn’t best option for all of us personally.
(CAUTION: semi-formed ideas only, I might blog them when they come to maturity.)
So, is Guy I still available?
Ah, the myriad of events and amusing behavior by us confused relational beings. Keep on watching and commenting KB. Hopefully we’ll strive for the building of our relationship with God above that of the attentions of another sinful creature.
However, one thing is for sure. We will all be content in Heaven.
Deb: I know several Guy I’s; which one are you talking about?
Ooh, good. I’ll get all their numbers then, please. Hehe.
How do you qualify to be a guy I?
do you find it strange karen, like that people treat you as a lot older and mature because you are married?
Is there a big difference in the way they speak to u, or do they always ask you for advice. how do you find that. just curious.
I bumped into miriam again! hehehe.
I think I’m getting used to it! I think there is a difference in what they will say to me and what they won’t. Some people are more prone to asking for advice or asking what marriage is like. Others don’t really want to know. I have noticed that sometimes I get excluded from the singles “group” (which might be a reaction to married people excluding singles!)
I think marriage makes me aware how different my life is to single people. Being around Uni students this year made me realise how much spare time single people have. Therefore they don’t really understand why I have so little.