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Spotlight on divorce

Monday, 16 April, 2007

This week there's been a bunch of stuff on Sydney Anglicans talking about divorce: “What I know about divorce” and “Caring for divorcees” by Cath Finney Lamb, and this article by Joseph which quotes Craig.

This week I have also started working through the material for an article I'm writing on children of divorce. I wanted to write it because I noticed, when scouring the internet, the lack of resources available to adult children of divorce. The whole topic of children of divorce is a very interesting one (and not just because I am one). Here's a snippet of the stuff I've been reading (please bear in mind this was written in 1989):

In most crisis situations, such as earthquake, flood, or fire, parents instinctively reach out and grab hold of their children, bringing them to safety first. In the crisis of divorce, however, mothers and fathers put children on hold, attending to adult problems first. Divorce is associated with a diminished capacity to parent in almost all dimensions—discipline, playtime, physical care, and emotional support. Divorcing parents spend less time with their children and are less sensitive to their children's needs. At this time they may very well confuse their own needs with those of their children.

Divorce is also the only major family crisis in which social supports fall away. When there is a death in the family, people come running to help. After a natural disaster, neighbors rally to assist those who have been hurt. After most such crises, clergymen may call on the family to console adults or speak with children who are badly shaken. But not so with divorce. Friends are afraid that they will have to take sides; neighbors think it is none of their business. Although half the families in our study belong to churches or synagogues, not one clergyman came to call on the adults or children during divorce. Grandparents may be helpful but are apprehensive about getting caught in the crossfire. They often live far away and feel their role is limited. When a man and a woman divorce, many people tend to act as if they believe it might be contagious. The divorced person is seen as a loose cannon. We have names for them: rogue elephant, black widow. Despite the widespread acceptance of divorce in modern society, there remains something frightening at its core. It is as if married people are afraid that another's divorce will illuminate the cracks in their own relationships. On a visceral level, every divorce threatens to erode our own marriages.

(Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce Ticknor & Fields, New York, 1989, pp. 7-8.)

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