That your days may be long in the land ...
Sunday, 03 September, 2006
Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you (Exodus 20:12)
So lately Elsie and I have started thinking through the question, “What does it mean to honour your parents?” in the times when we've been meeting up. It's a pertinent question for us both—not just because it's a pertinent question for all people whose parents are still alive, but because Elsie and I are both Chinese, and having Chinese parents brings its own set of problems. (I'm sure that having Greek or Italian parents also brings its own peculiar set of problems too but someone else can blog about that ...) If I were to speak in gross generalities, Chinese families are characterised by:
- a sense of duty and obligation to the family;
- submission to the authority of the head of the household (usually the father);
- the favouring of sons over daughters;
- high expectations in the area of academia and career (which come out of the sense of duty and obligation to the family because if you do well at school, you will get into a good university and do a respectable degree that will enable you to become a doctor/lawyer/engineer/accountant and earn big money to look after your family—particularly your parents in their old age).
Obviously some Chinese families are more traditional than others, and some Chinese people are more Chinese than others (and I think you've probably gathered by now that I'm not very “Chinese” at all).
But how far should the authority of our parents extend? In western society, it seems it does not extend very far at all. How often have we seen kids on TV manipulate their parents into buying them this or giving them that? (For example, Regina George in Mean Girls, bullies her parents into swapping bedrooms with her.) One of Charles Colson's Breakpoint commentaries talked about parents forking out dough so their kids can not only buy that great dress or designer tux but also rent a house or charter a boat for the weekend of their senior prom. In other societies (usually non-western), parental authority is all-pervasive, dictating whether daughters are allowed out after dark, what degree their children study, what religion their child should subscribe to and even who their child should marry.
What about the model for families laid down in the Bible—what are the parameters for parental authority there? Is it a case of “once a child, always a child” (and therefore, always being a child, one must obey) as Greg Jao argues in his chapter, “Honor & Obey” in Following Jesus Without Dishonoring Your Parents?
(Greg Jao does have some interesting things to say, for example,
Influenced by Confucius's teachings on filial piety and hierarchy, traditional Asian cultures value duty and obligation as the highest motive for making decisions. Mature Asians recognize and accept their social responsibilities. In contrast, modern Western cultures believe an individual's self-actualization is the highest motive for decision-making. Mature Westerners act consistently with their self-understanding. Therefore doing something “because I should” or “because it is expected” and not “because it feels right or honest to me” suggests a maturity in traditional Asian cultures and immaturity in modern Western cultures ...
Traditional Asian cultures have a group orientation. The group—whether family, clan or country—defines the individual's identity and destiny. In contrast, Western cultures generally demonstrate an individualistic orientation. The independent self defines its identity and destiny. (This summary is adapted from Connor, Tradition and Change in Three Generations of Japanese Americans.)
The distinctive orientations of Asian and Western shape each culture. For example, group-oriented Chinese names often are composed of three characters. The first character, the “family name,” identifies our family or clan, and the second character often marks which generation of the family we belong to. The third—and last—character distinguishes us from our siblings and cousins, identifying us as individuals. The order of the characters reveals the lower priority given to individual identity and the higher priority places on group identity. In contrast, Western cultures reverse the word order. They usually use the “first name” to distinguish an individual from the group and any remaining names to identify the individual as a member of a family or clan. The different cultural orientations affect the way Asians and non-Asians participate in our decision-making. (pp. 44-45)
and he talks a little bit about the dilemma of being caught between east and west.)
But anyway, back to the original question: “What does it mean to honour your parents?” I went through and looked up all the verses that had the word “parent” or the word “father” in them (I would have done “mother” too but “mother” usually occurs in tandem with “father”). If I had had more time and knew a bit of Hebrew, I would have done it in Hebrew but as it was, I did it in English and I used the ESV. I then weeded out all the verses that weren't relevant (e.g. “Adam fathered Seth”). And then Elsie and I started going through them. In the hour or so that we had on Friday, we only got through the Old Testament verses. Some of what we found seemed pretty obvious (but perhaps needed to be said). Some was surprising. I thought I would reproduce it here for you:
Honouring = not beating your parents up
“Whoever strikes his father or his mother shall be put to death.” (Exodus 21:15). This seems pretty obvious but it's good to remember because there are children out there who do physically abuse their parents—daughters who hit their mothers, mothers who are scared of their sons because they are physically stronger than they are and aren't afraid to use brute force. Once on Law & Order: SVU there was a case where a man murdered his mother. But, as Proverbs 19:26 says, “He who does violence to his father and chases away his mother is a son who brings shame and reproach.”
Honouring = not cursing your parents
I suspect that we are more likely to curse our parents than bash them up—particularly when we are teenagers living at home and life seems grossly unfair. (Proverbs 30:11: “There are those who curse their fathers and do not bless their mothers.”) Maybe that's why the command not to pops up quite a lot in the Bible: “Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to death” (Exodus 21:17); “If one curses his father or his mother, his lamp will be put out in utter darkness” (Proverbs 20:20); and the more serious “For anyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother; his blood is upon him” (Leviticus 20:9).
“What does it mean by ‘curse’?” asks Elsie. I suspect it is something like the curses that will fall on the Israelites if they fail to keep the covenant they've made with God—drought, famine, plague, poverty, oppression by your enemies, etc. Cursing is wishing someone ill, I think.
Honouring = not having a sexual relationship with them
“You shall not uncover the nakedness of your father, which is the nakedness of your mother; she is your mother, you shall not uncover her nakedness.” (Leviticus 18:7). Again, this is pretty obvious. (Someone should have told this to Lot's daughters.) But maybe it needs to be said (I am thinking of a recent episode of House, M.D.—the one with the 16-year-old model who got her father drunk and seduced him so that he could no longer tell her what to do.
Honouring = not stealing from them
“Whoever robs his father or his mother and says, ‘That is no transgression,’ is a companion to a man who destroys” (Proverbs 28:24). Tell that those who seek to take it all and leave their parents with nothing—who can't wait for their parents to die so they can get their hands on their inheritance. Maybe the prodigal son was a bit like this.
Honouring = heeding their instruction
There's stacks of stuff in Proverbs about this: “Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching” (Proverbs 1:8); “Hear, O sons, a father's instruction, and be attentive, that you may gain insight” (Proverbs 4:1); “My son, keep your father's commandment, and forsake not your mother's teaching” (Proverbs 6:20); “Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old” (Proverbs 23:22). If you don't pay attention to the things your parents teach, then you're no better than a fool; if you do, you are wise. “A wise son hears his father's instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke” (Proverbs 13:1). “A fool despises his father's instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent” (Proverbs 15:5). Being wise makes your parents proud: “A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother” (Proverbs 10:1); “A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish man despises his mother” (Proverbs 15:20); “He who loves wisdom makes his father glad, but a companion of prostitutes squanders his wealth” (Proverbs 29:3). Being foolish makes them ashamed of you: “The one who keeps the law is a son with understanding, but a companion of gluttons shames his father.” (Proverbs 28:7).
However, there is a qualification: if our parents instruct us contrary to the ways of wisdom—fearing the Lord—then we shouldn't heed them. The Israelites were not to be like their forefathers who sinned and then had to wander in the desert for 40 years: “And I said to their children in the wilderness, Do not walk in the statutes of your fathers, nor keep their rules, nor defile yourselves with their idols” (Ezekiel 20:18). The remnant who returned from exile were not to be like their forefathers who forsook the Lord and practised evil: “Do not be like your fathers, to whom the former prophets cried out, ‘Thus says the Lord of hosts, Return from your evil ways and from your evil deeds.’ But they did not hear or pay attention to me, declares the Lord” (Zechariah 1:4). On occasion my father has encouraged me to break the law by not declaring things that ought to be declared at customs, buying pirated CDs and glossing over the truth to the tax office. I shouldn't heed his instruction there.
But all of this is derived from the fatherhood of God who is the ultimate father of us all. He created us, gives us life and sustains that life: “Do you thus repay the Lord, you foolish and senseless people? Is not he your father, who created you, who made you and established you?” (Deuteronomy 32:6). Because of this, he disciplines us like his sons and we should respect him for it: “for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights” (Proverbs 3:12).
So the command to honour our parents comes because we are to honour God as our Father: “Every one of you shall revere his mother and his father, and you shall keep my Sabbaths: I am the Lord your God” (Leviticus 19:3). Disobeying the command is disobeying the Lord, and with disobedience comes cursing: “‘Cursed be anyone who dishonors his father or his mother.’ And all the people shall say, ‘Amen.’” (Deuteronomy 27:16); “The eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be picked out by the ravens of the valley and eaten by the vultures” (Proverbs 30:17).
But “once a child, always a child”? Sorry, Greg Jao, I don't think so. Sure, when you're under their roof and you're young, they certainly have authority over your. For example, the father has the authority to make null and void a daughter's vow to the Lord in Numbers 30:
If a woman vows a vow to the Lord and binds herself by a pledge, while within her father's house in her youth, and her father hears of her vow and of her pledge by which she has bound herself and says nothing to her, then all her vows shall stand, and every pledge by which she has bound herself shall stand. But if her father opposes her on the day that he hears of it, no vow of hers, no pledge by which she has bound herself shall stand. And the Lord will forgive her, because her father opposed her. (Numbers 30:3-5)
But when she is no longer within her father's house—when she has grown up and forms her own household—then she is no longer bound by what her father says. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh,” says Genesis 2:24. The man is no longer under his father and mother's jurisdiction; he and his wife have formed their own family. In some circles in Chinese culture, it's normal for the wife to come live with her in-laws in the first couple of years of marriage. But I don't think that follows the biblical model: the wife isn't required to submit to her father-in-law or her mother-in-law but to her husband only. They have their own household and he is its head. Nevertheless, husband and wife will continue to honour and revere their parents within that context.
It is also comforting to know that when father and mother have deserted their children, the Lord will always be there: “For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in” (Psalm 27:10). He is our true father, and from him all the families of the world are only copies of the ultimate family which is comprised of his son and all whom his son chooses to call brothers.
This, obviously, is not the whole picture. Elsie and I still have to work through the New Testament and see what Jesus has to say. Stay tuned for another blog post.
Current:
Bible: Isaiah (ESV) 28/09/2010
seen: Tropic Thunder 26/09/2010
seen: The Life of Mammals 24/09/2010
seen: What a Girl Wants 19/09/2010
seen: Jerry Maguire 19/09/2010
seen: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 06/09/2010
seen: Tomorrow Never Dies 05/09/2010
seen: Nanny McPhee 28/08/2010
read: Mercury (Hope Larson) 27/08/2010
read: Spellcheckers Vol 1 (Jamie S Rich, Nicolas Hitori de, Joelle Jones) 16/08/2010
read: Solipsistic Pop Vol 2 (Solipsistic Pop) 16/08/2010
read: Chiggers (Hope Larson) 15/08/2010
seen: Josie and the Pussycats 14/08/2010
seen: Mr & Mrs Smith 14/08/2010
seen: Step Up 2 13/08/2010
Blinks:
How to recalibrate the home button on your iPhone.
Unsolicited manuscripts accepted by Pan Macmillan with certain conditions.
Thought Balloon is a group blog in which the writers tackle a new theme every week? month? with one-page scripts. This URL is for their Phonogram ones.
How to sew a zipper on a knitted garment.
Issues organised by tale.
Online magazine that publishes fairy tales that are not reworkings of old tales.
Journal that publishes fairy tale writing.
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Karen,
In one sense atleast, honouring does go on even with the development of a new household and new relationships etc. My dad was an extremely intelligent man, very capable in many unrelated areas. In his old age, he developed dementia, which turned into full blown Alzheimer’s disease and totally removed the man I had known for so long as my father. He did some very silly things and said things which were totally nonsensical.
At times, the only way to cope, particularly for my mother and siblings who are not Christians, was to laugh. It was laugh or cry as we saw him lose the faculties which had been so sharp. I laughed too and was then later convicted about whether I was honouring him by laughing. I was quite bothered about this for a long time.
I then had some words of wisdom given me by a friend who had been through much the same thing a few years before. He suggested that the laughter was indeed a matter of coping and that it wasn’t dishonouring to dad. Rather it was a way of “thumbing my nose” at the actual disease. It had turned my dad into someone who was totally different to what I knew he really was. This is perhaps hard to express just what I mean, and I do realise disease is a product of the Fall, but I found it helpful.
Like you, I had wondered about “am I a child for ever?” Yes, we move past the obedience side of things with different ages and relationships, but there is more to honour than just that.
Sorry for perhaps not being as clear as I would like to be. It’s not easy to express and is clouded by my love for dad who died seven years ago and by my abhorrence of such an awful disease which totally changes a person. Unlike some forms of dementia, true Alzheimers affects not only mental faculties but physical abilities as well.
Jan
I think a lot of the “humour” that is allegedly communicated in American pop culture when children manipulate/mock/ignore their parents is derived from the fact that this isn’t what happens in real life. At least in more British societies, like Australia and NZ. I think the emphasis on individualism is there with a strong emphasis on discipline and not spoiling a child. Even when incidents like the Colson reference are reported, it’s pointed out for being unusual or inappropriate. Parental authority is relatively lax from some Asian perspectives, but it’s not as though western children grow up without it.
Interestingly (although perhaps only to me) the Westminster Longer Catechism interprets the fifth commandment widely, as rules for any relationship between “inferiors” and “superiors”.
Helpfully, it talks about how to “honour” like this: “... all due reverence in heart, word, and behaviour; prayer and thanksgiving for them; imitation of their virtues and graces; willing obedience to their lawful commands and counsels; due submission to their corrections; fidelity to, defence, and maintenance of their persons and authority, according to their several ranks, and the nature of their places; bearing with their infirmities, and covering them in love, that so they may be an honour to them and to their government.”
I like the endnote of “covering them with love”.
I don’t know how I feel about the assertion that all the families of the world are only copies.
Hi Karen,
i’ve decided i need to get hold of a copy or 2 of that book, Following Jesus Without Dishonoring Your Parents. I tried searching for it on the Koorong & Word websites, so i could order it in, but had no success… I seem to remember you once had a link to it on Koorong’s (?) site, but a quick search of your blog has also been fruitless for me! Could you oblige, if you are in fact aware of an easier way for me to find this book than ordering it via amazon.com?? thanks.
Thanks, Jan. Not being at that stage of life, I didn’t even think of what it’s like when your parents get older.
Sandra: The book is here. Looks like you’ll have to special order it.
Hey Karen, I have a chapter on this ready to roll for the YOU book.. be interested to see what you think
Cool