The Ending that Must Not Be Named
Monday, 27 August, 2007
Having three days of nothingness over the weekend was sublime: I knitted, I watched Buffy, I walked to Newtown and back (to buy more 3.25 mm double pointed needles to replace the ones that were eaten by the couch), and I finally got a chance to read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows which I thought was a fitting end to the series (even if Rowling did kill off one of my favourite characters).
I realised today how much I envy Harry. I don't envy the fact that he's an orphan and that his parents were murdered, or that he had to live with his nasty relatives who didn't think he was worth anything and who made him sleep in the cupboard under the stair. I'm envious of the close friendship he has with Ron and Hermione—that they were prepared to go anywhere with him, even if it was to face the Dark Lord. I'm envious of the people in Harry's life who loved him and stepped in to act as mother figures (e.g. Molly Weasley) and father figures (e.g. Arthur Weasley, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and, of course, Albus Dumbledore). I'm envious of the fact that people cared about Harry so much, they were willing to die for him. Some even did.
I have a question I'm not quite sure how to phrase it, or even if it's the right question that encapsulates what I want to ask. It has to do with the role of emotions in relation to the Christian life. It has to do with relationships with others. It has to do with how I feel about myself—where my sense of wellbeing comes from—where happiness lies. If I were to stretch the cup metaphor a little, imagine that your sense of ... wellbeing (for want of a better word) is like a cup. The cup is filled when certain things happen: when someone speaks your love language (e.g. if you're a “Words of affirmation” person [which I am], someone says something nice to you, or if you're a “Receiving gifts” sort of person [which I am as well], someone gives you something nice [even if it's only on Facebook]), when you do something that makes you feel happy (e.g. go to an awesome concert), and when you get quality recharge time (and depending on whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, you may do this with others or by yourself). The cup is probably partially filled already with things like good self-image and self-esteem, and fulfilling relationships with certain people. It becomes drained when things go wrong, when things happen that make you feel bad about yourself, when you're tired and cranky, and so on.
But what if you don't already have good self-image and self-esteem, and truly fulfilling relationships with others, and what if the frequency in which people speak to you in your love language is fairly low from day-to-day? All you have left is R & R. And there's only so much R & R you can fit into one week. So your cup is continually low. You feel continually low.
There seems to be something wrong with this scenario because the way you feel about yourself shouldn't rely on what others do. If other people are not fulfilling their relational obligations to you—if they're being terrible friends—then that's their problem, and they probably have issues of their own that they need to deal with. It feels a little selfish to demand things of them, and anyway it cheapens the whole thing because, once you demand it, you feel like the other person is only giving in to your demands to please you and not because they want to do it because they love you.
I guess you then start to wonder whether people do actually love you the way Ron, Hermione, the Weasleys, etc. loved Harry. And then you remember God the Father who loved you so much, he sent his Son into the world to die on your behalf so that you could become part of his family. And you wonder whether you're backsliding because it doesn't feel like enough.
But should it feel enough? We Sydney evangelicals don't want emotion to shape doctrine. Faith persists despite emotions. It's just I don't understand where the emotions fit in. I know that there are appropriate and inappropriate emotions. My grandmother died, and it's right and healthy for me to feel sad about that. I just don't know where the rest of them fit in.
Current:
Bible: Isaiah (ESV) 28/09/2010
seen: Tropic Thunder 26/09/2010
seen: The Life of Mammals 24/09/2010
seen: What a Girl Wants 19/09/2010
seen: Jerry Maguire 19/09/2010
seen: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 06/09/2010
seen: Tomorrow Never Dies 05/09/2010
seen: Nanny McPhee 28/08/2010
read: Mercury (Hope Larson) 27/08/2010
read: Spellcheckers Vol 1 (Jamie S Rich, Nicolas Hitori de, Joelle Jones) 16/08/2010
read: Solipsistic Pop Vol 2 (Solipsistic Pop) 16/08/2010
read: Chiggers (Hope Larson) 15/08/2010
seen: Josie and the Pussycats 14/08/2010
seen: Mr & Mrs Smith 14/08/2010
seen: Step Up 2 13/08/2010
Blinks:
How to recalibrate the home button on your iPhone.
Unsolicited manuscripts accepted by Pan Macmillan with certain conditions.
Thought Balloon is a group blog in which the writers tackle a new theme every week? month? with one-page scripts. This URL is for their Phonogram ones.
How to sew a zipper on a knitted garment.
Issues organised by tale.
Online magazine that publishes fairy tales that are not reworkings of old tales.
Journal that publishes fairy tale writing.
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Other comments
Having recently re-read HP5+6, it seems to me that Harry may well have similar self-esteem issues, because he never stops to appreciate how much the people around him love him.
He gets angry instead, which is an entirely natural adolescent response.
I’ve heard it said that the difference between evangelicals and, says, charistmatics is this:
Evangelical:
Fact—> Faith—> Feeling
where as most people are here:
Feeling—> Faith—> Fact
That is to say, as Christians, we need to bring about correct emotions in ourselves as we preach the gospel to ourselves over and over. So my emotional response in times of hardships is not (should not be) despair, but longsuffering trust… and if it’s not, I need to remind myself and remind myself and remind myself.
We are sinful people. Our minds are sinful and or emotions are sinful. Both can be very misleading.
There’s a very helpful talk by Grimmo which you can probably lay your hands on, because it’s at MM… I think it’s on Worship, MYC from several years ago… Purple cover, talk 3.
I read through that comment wondering who this incredibly wise person was.. and guess who!
Amen to the above… and a *hug*
I personally always wanted to sleep in the cupboard under the stairs. In fact, in hide and seek it was my favourite hiding place.
A quote I’ve been holding onto recently is
“Some people mistake intimacy with God’s people with intimacy with God.”
It is encouraging to know that he is carrying and supporting us at any given time.
Also, no matter how well, or how poorly, you’re relating to your Christian brothers and sisters, your relationship with God is held by loving spiritual bonds, stronger than any handshake. You have plenty of friends who would gladly take on the Dark lord with, or for, you. (Especially if the challenge was issued in Wollongong…)
Do you remember the fad in the early 90’s of drinking that weird mushroom secretion?
You’d get a Mushroom(kinda looked like a pancake) and over a week or so it would release juices into the jug below, thus filling up the jug and the health nut would drink from it’s sweet nectar.
There must be something which fills up our cups much like the refilling power of the mushroom. I tend to think, and continually remind myself; that this has to do with a trust in the good things God has promised us, his spirit feels up our joy till up cup runneth over…. that and an unswerving reassurance that everyone is not out to get me…(even if they really are). The later tends to be holding more sway of late, thus the holding onto the above quote…
For the record, the coolest thing Harry has going on is the flying broom and the whole teleporting thing. You could visit friends so quickly and easily…
I wish I didn’t feel the emptiness you describe but I do.
And I think what you say is quite wise regarding the cup. There’s actually a very strong metaphor using stress and coping and filling up a cup which I’ve seen here in the Counselling Service.
Anyway, I am glad you enjoyed #7. I thought it was great. I need to blog. But I need to go to drumming too. Will see if I can blog now.
xxxooo
hi!
well my comment would be that it’s easy to let our interlect suppress our emotions. (Especially if you are academically inclined!) but if we don’t acknowledge our emotions then we end up being controlled by then - and they end up influencing us - People aren’t as rational as we would like to think!
Let God be the God of your emotions as well as your mind. When times are tough it’s my emotional conviction that Jesus is Lord that keeps me going - not my interlectual one. Remember that the gospel is for everyone (including interlectually disabled people and children as well as adults) not just those who “understand” the gospel with their minds. Don’t underestimate the holy spirit!!
maybe this doesn’t make much sense to you but hopefully it will help!
love and virtual hugs!!
Alison 8-)
Hmm,
Ok, a few bits and pieces…
“There seems to be something wrong with this scenario because the way you feel about yourself shouldn’t rely on what others do.”
Ok, in a perfect world, yes indeed. But I don’t think I have EVER met a person for whom this was not the case to some extent.
I know that I as a person am not capable of ignoring the cue’s I get from others. I am, from time to time, paranoid that people dislike me intensely, unless I see positive reinforcement. That said, I think this is a much more major problem for me, than it is for the standard person, but it is a problem that everyone shares. We cannot completely separate our feeling about our selves from the cue’s that others give us.
I wonder if this comes down to us being relational beings. We need relationships to survive. We to some extent, are DEFINED by our relationships. With god, and with each other.
(Sorry, I’ve ended up on a big tangent… ) O.K., so getting back to your point, I think the fact that we are inherently relational, requires that some of our recharging come from relationships. I don’t think its wrong, but i do think it can be problematic at times, if there is a problem either in our perceptions, or in our friends behavior.
I don’t think we can ever DEMAND to be “refilled” by our friends, but this should happen naturally as part of ANY healthy relationship.
I think that to some extent emotions DO shape doctrine (here comes the heresy) God’s emotions, Love, Wrath, A desire for justice, are KEY in any understanding of the bibles teaching. Emotions are PART of gods character, and by implication ours.
We should not be using an emotional reaction as a justification for how we should behave or live, but there is nothing wrong with using them in light of the bibles teaching, as god intended them to be used.
You use the analogy of the glass, to describe these situations, let me put my own interpretation on to it, when people give us these negative situations, and experiences, when we feel cranky, it puts a small pinprick in the glass.. water begins to seep out. Positive experiences and feelings can patch these pinpricks, but negative ones force them further open. The water begins to gush out. The trick is to recognize and cultivate these positive situations, to make sure that we are patching holes faster than we are making them.
I think that people like me suffer here. I have such high (unattainable) expectations of myself, that I am always disappointed in what I have achieved. And even though I expect far less from others, the expectations are still un-meatably high. consequently, I am often disappointed, pinpricking my glass over and over again. and thus I am constantly patching leaks.
I don’t know where I am going with this, its getting quite rambely.. I guess to get back to your final point, we are relational beings, and so much of what hapenes in our lives that matters, relies on relations with others. I think that any view of how we should live, of what we are, of what god wants from us, needs to take emotion, relationships, feelings into account, but not superceeding the bible. Complimenting it. Feeling are a part of how we lived our lives, a filter through which we examine them, and a part of the content of what the bible says.
I love reading what you write.
Thanks for your thoughts, guys! Haoran, I’ve borrowed out those talks. I’ll think further on what you’ve all written.
Like someone else said (Georgina?) I know what you mean, and I wish I didn’t feel this way too. Thanks for putting it into words (it does make sense and it was clear).
I’ve been reading a book called “How to fight for Joy” by John Piper. I’m only a few chapters in, but it certainly seems related.
I think emotions are important in the Christian life, but they need to complement rather than guide.
Gibbo talked a bit about it in a devotion he did for us during greek week - it was great stuff and worth hearing more (I think he did his phd on the subject)